My Summer Vacation

September spells the end of freedom for students, and the beginning of grading My Summer Vacation journals if you’re an English teacher at Shin Gakko. Back in June I asked Egg Man, the department chair, what assignment we should give our ESL charges over their six week break.

“You mean like some kind of homework?” he asked like I had suggested going against the laws of physics. Apparently such a concept was unthinkable, or at best, discouraged. Above Egg Man’s doubts, I recommended a journal project as an easy, open-ended assignment for students to document their summer vacations. Educational merit aside, I was deeply curious about what the little buggers were doing with their newfound free time.

I designed a booklet with six pages, each split in half. Knowing that there were more cartoonists than wordsmiths among the rows of silent mouths drooling on desks, the top half of each sheet was left blank for optional drawings, photos or newspaper clippings. Double wide lines ruled the bottom half; five short sentences could easily fill the space.

Although originally intended for only my three classes, the assignment quickly won converts across the department. Egg Man ordered hundreds of additional copies; now all 14 high school English sections would be journaling this summer. Such a progressive assignment seemed like a good idea at the time, even at the risk of losing popularity among the moaning students. When school resumed in late August, however, a challenging stack of journals awaited my red pen and its refill of ink.

Scribbles of English were so incomprehensible that I had to limit myself to a dozen journals a day or risk fluid swelling in my brain. Out of more than 500 pages reviewed, my hand-picked favorites are reproduced below. These essays stand out for the lyrical simplicity of their prose that makes for a rhythmic and poetic read even if results run well wide of the grammatical mark. Without any further ado, I present to you:

MY SUMMER VACATION 2006

The summer of Japan must fan. It is very convenient though it is not a wind of nature. Mosquito incense coil. Peculiar shape. Smell. There is an electric type today, too. I thought that the culture of Japan was very wonderful.

It is July 24 today.
Visiting a library on the way.
Children who had been doing the insect removing in the park were seen.
I thought to play in such a wind recently.
Such hot everyday.
It is likely to have to play outside only on such a day.
It was hot today.

First day, we are swimming in the pool and sea on the hotel all day. At night, we have a dinner at the hotel as smorgasbord, which there are Japanese, Chinese, Western food, fruit dessert and various drink and so on.

I went to sea with my littler brother and cousin and uncle and ant. Today is hot. I can few swim. So, I used float ring. I swimming in the sea. Then, I was nearly drowned! the wave was floated my float ring to the shore. I thought die.

August 15 sunny + cloudy
I couldn’t do homework. Because it is very hot today. My room was very hot when I comed from school. I will do homework. But, it is hot today. So I feel a lack of motivation. I think that I want to do cold tomorrow.

August 16 Wednesday
I met an old friend again. He is mother’s boy. I gathered in a house of a friend. I ate curry to lunch. Nose hair stick out. I was very happy on that day.

Today is August twenty three.
I went to school because today was toukoubi. This means go to school day. Teacher talked about new term. I thought that I haven’t finished homework yet. I thought that Vacation has already ended for two weeks. I thought that how early it is!
I thought I sad.

8/31 – It is a day the last in summer vacation today. Homework has not ended yet. I think it is staying up all night today. Please help someone.

For other Engrish entries, have a look back on past compositions at other schools.

Long Time, No See

“Miyukiiii, you’re late!” shouted a teacher from his sidewalk post.

The staff of Douyoto School acts like protective parents stationed on street corners around the school looking out for stragglers. This is a small school – only 280 students, and thus has a family atmosphere. They almost lost one member before my eyes. Had the same teacher not blocked Miyuki’s intended sprint through the crosswalk, he would have had an unfortunate encounter with a minivan.

It was a bittersweet week. I hadn’t taught at my favorite school since Halloween, but January’s reunion would be short-lived. It was my final scheduled appearance. The 7th graders seemed to have forgotten my name because some insisted on calling me Johnny or Bobby. I think they’ve been watching too much TV again. Nevertheless, they welcomed me back with open arms and a few questions, like “how do you say ‘anus’ in English?” and “was that you on TV?” I hope the two weren’t related.

I quizzed them with listening comprehension passages about Thanksgiving and Hanukkkah. Unlike at Kanokita School, where only the walls pay attention, Douyoto students volunteer to recite model textbook readings. English, while not as popular as gym, is at least favored over math and art. In a school survey, 61% rated English as either their favorite subject or one they like.

This, after all, is the school where I coached two students to victory in a sweep of the two first prizes at the ward’s English speech contest. Douyoto divided my loyalty by unseating last year’s champion Nubata School, the second favorite of the four I teach at.

As a parting gift, Douyoto 8th and 9th graders gave me a new batch of compositions to correct. The 9th graders, currently mired in jiken jigoku (high school entrance “examination hell”), wrote about their dreams. It was heartening to read their aspirations pieced together in mangled English. Among the future bakers, barbers, clinical psychologists, weather forecasters and nursery school teachers, some didn’t yet have a “future dream.”

Others expressed exactly what they wanted. One boy confessed an urge to “become a temporarily straight adult.” Talk about lost in translation! Two verbalized definitive goals. One, to follow in dad’s footsteps at Japan Rail. The other, to become a conductor on the Seibu line in a 3800 series train, a mechanical diagram of which accompanied his text.

A humble girl had this to say:
I want to be common housewife in the future. Why? First, it is an ideal every morning that send a husband and child out. I am similar afterwards and do terrible housework in various ways and want to finish first. Now I do not like a help of a house very much. Therefore I want to do my best little by little.

I’m setting her up with this boy:
My dream I would like to be happy old man. What’s happy? Happiness might be different for the person. The dream for me is to do to want do it is necessary to do, and doing. It’s my dream!!

Meanwhile, the 8th graders described “their important one thing.” Family, pet cat, soccer ball, baseball glove and Nintendo were common. One girl wrote about having “a considerate heart.”

This capitalistic boy coveted more tangible values:
My important thing is money. A mony can change everything.
Japanese money is yen that has many kinds. The smallest yen is own yen next five, ten, fifty, hundred, 500….A money made all of us happy, and it is life.

Comic books enthrall Japanese young and old, apparently even in the afterlife:
My important thing. It is many comics. It gave me many some thing. For example, knowledge, smiling face, etc…It isn’t miss my life. I like comics. So my coffin in these comics. Because I want to read comics in the other world.

As this blogger well knows, never underestimate the power of the pen:
I have a important thing. It’s a pen. Because it is needed to write. But I often break it. Now I have six pens in my pencase. I often by pen. But it is expensive, isn’t it?
If you say “Yes” you are right.
If you say “No” you are stupit.

Yet even teacher make mistakes. I misspelled cockaroach, cavier and badmitton on the board. I drew an uncomfortable silence after mispronouncing the Japanese word for Thanksgiving (kansha-sai) as kancho-sai. Day of Thanks came out as “enema festival.”

A blooper at recess was just as embarrassing, but more painful. I should have known better than to play a sport I know nothing about while in loafers. I’m not sure how it happened. Maybe I tripped on the soccer ball, or maybe over my own feet, but the next thing I knew I was tumbling. Not just falling down, but a sputtering, flailing dive. Had my palms and right knee not broken the fall, I would have tasted playground dirt.

My stumble drew a chorus of laughs. I casually dusted off my stained trousers, which hid a skinned knee glistening with blood that hadn’t broken the surface. “You’re weak,” one boy shouted in Japanese, adding “and slow, too” while I hobbled after him ready to ring his neck.

I atoned by teaching two 8th grade classes on my own. Technically this is illegal because I am not a certified teacher in Japan. However, Ms. Kimura had to take her feverish son out of elementary school and to the doctor, leaving me in charge of the lesson plan. I drilled cooperative students on reading passages and vocab before running out the clock with hangman. I told them it was our last class together. They stood up, bowed and gave me a mild round of applause. I high-fived my way out the door for the final time.

I Don’t Know What You Did Last Summer

Last year an unfounded rumor that Douyoto school was going to close spooked off parents who can send their junior high school aged children to any school in the district. As a result, half the usual number of seventh graders matriculated. Although the student body of 280 is the smallest of my four schools, it felt overwhelming when faced with correcting their English compositions about “My Summer Vacation.”

This was the first writing I’ve seen students do beyond copying down the board. The result was amusing on first read, but painful thereafter to correct. Sometimes the Japanese English teacher couldn't figure out what the students were trying to say in the accompanying Japanese. Here’s the best of the worst:

I was Yoyogi Park Festival play the drum.
Many people was Festival come.
I was rest yakisoba eat.
Last all play.
Play the rice eat.
Come back was confectionary.
I can tense a well good fine.
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I was going to look the Festival
My friend a strike drum a festival
My friend a drum strike figure very fashionable.
After that going a stand food buy a lot of things.
I have very good time.
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I was went to Hakone in July.
I was arrived at Hakone noon.
I was lurch at the lesterant.
After that going Hakone Sekisho.
After that a music box museum
I was a very have a good time.
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I went to Aichi Expo on our school trip. The most impressive pavillion was Mitsubishi Future Pavillion.
It was a place, the earth without a moon. The place I can’t imagine, all day long was eight times end even hard wind blow even not forest’s and oxygen almost pass away, even human being wasn’t born. So the moon is very important.
-----------------------------------
I wasn’t able to go to the famous pavilions. Because Aichi Expo was filled with people. There wasn’t more interesting than I imagined. It was very interesting for me to play with my friends whole night. Hiroki, Tatsunari and Sachioweje my room. We knew whole night isn’t allow but we did it. We drank coffee, watched TV, talked about each other’s secret and made a noise. This trip made me happy, and it made my precious memories too.

You’ve Got Mail

For a change, I’m sitting back and letting someone else do the writing, which is lifted out of e-mails and text messages from Japanese friends and students. Material below is republished without permission.

From: Fellow partygoer
Re: Tonite
Message: Are you coming defenihtely? Do you wanna go to club after the party or change the place for more alcohol?

From: Mid-20s P.E. teacher and part-time sushi chef
Re: Hanging out sometime
Message: I'm sorry. I don't know English.I can write English a little.I study English very hard! Let's play together recently.Let's go sushi store!! ¡¡Cheers, Tsuroshi!

From: Private student
Re: Why haven’t I made money off of you in two months?
Message: I'm sorry not to reply to your email. I have slept at once when I return from work because it is very busy, and I very ill. I came even for his amount to have to work because the colleague had pulled the pin suddenly. I'll send email when it settles down busy of work, and wait for the report, please. ~Kaori

From: Friday night basketball teammate
Re: Basketball
Message: Tomorrow’s place is the Nakagawa sports center and time will be from 6:00 in 9:00! I am looking forward to it! Mail with Jeff becomes the study of uncanny English!

From: My landlord
Re: New building - Nishiogikubo Guesthouse
Message: 5 rooms opened in "Nishi Ogikubo" (Shinjuku area) on 1st October. Newly renovated building, with a name of "Wallnut Hill". A nice blend of Japanese wood and western concrete style. Can't imagine ? Then, come over and have a look.

From: Another private student
Re: Proper greetings
Message:Hi!!! Jeffry!!! Thank you for sending my vocabulary lists. I had been a little busy this week. so I printed it out now. You gave me nice lesson last time. I had fun with you and want to hang out more.My English is getting worse, because of Japan.I have to keep and improve my English in order to live in NY again.

and I have a huge favor,Jeffry!!! Could you give me a hug instead of a fucking bow??? I like the way when people greet somebody. I don't like just bow bow. See you Tuesday. same time and place!!!
Regards, Yuki

The following e-mails are from Atami, a 9th grader. He asked for my e-mail address, and we’ve corresponded for a few months. The first e-mail is from an exchange that went on until after 3:30 a.m. I told him it was wayyy past his bedtime (and mine), but he seems to talk to his friends at all hours anyway. “Sensei” and “ALT” refer to his assistant language teacher.

Is America very different? No. I haven't any English books. So, I want to buy English books some day. Thanks, Jeff-sensei! I don't see you until September too. That's very sad. Yes! I studing¡¡to be high school student.

Oh! You go to bed very late too! Do you like chat? I like chat. Sometimes I play chat very long times with Net friends. Have you how many Net friends?

Good night! Jeff-sensei. Today, Thanks for e-mail with me¡ See you next e-mail!

In this e-mail about his classmates, I’m a little worried about Shintaro’s summer activities.
Oh. I have be very busy too.
Yes! I'm very vigor! And you?
Keisuke is play computer every day.
Shintaro is triping now.
They are having a good summer vacation!
No, they are in class D-3.
They are in class D-1!
Yes! They are like Jeff-sensei!
Yes! You are very fun ALT!
So, your class is very exciting for me!

Over the summer I felt a tremor while dining out. Did he feel it too?
Is "TGI Friday's"American restaurant?
I felt an earthquake when ate cornfrosties!

Some of Atami’s tennis pals attend another school I work at.
My friends are Misawa, Masuda, Matsuda, and Yamazaki!
They are boys!
They are tennis friends!
They are know you.

Yes! The students love you! Honto desu!
Oh! Tomorrow is your first day at Omiyada! Ashita gambatte kudasai!
I will have fun at school tomorrow!

As you can see, Atami’s English isn’t perfect. And neither is my Japanese. But we are both studying hard, and the in process keeping each others entertamed.
Your Japanese is great! you can have expressed the past sentense in
Japanese.

In response to dad’s surprise bday trip: Oh! It's great! Your father was funning?

Thank you, Jeff-sensei! The students are very happy!